rainbow

Into myself

Nothing is getting better. They aren't getting worse, but better not at all. I'm selling all I can to keep things going in this house. And so far ok I guess for the past two months. I'm having a terrible time trying to find a job for the first time in my life. Everyday I have to hold back these tears and fight to keep control and not show how much and how intensely life is kicking me down these days. There isn't anyone I can turn to, no one I can talk to. But I guess that's just a normal thing in my life. I've never been able to open up and never been able to cry in front of people. I struggle just to feed my dogs. I babysit a sometimes impossible baby with irresponsible parents just to get smokes and Dr.Pepper. I miss my little brother and my niece and nephew but last time I tried to text him I got no response. My child keeps telling me he wants to come live with me and I can't even give him an okay to do so, or even figure anyway out that I can have him for more than a day or two due to the fact all my rooms in my house are occupied by roommates and I don't even have living room furniture or anything at all since everything was rented and I couldn't pay that bill, therefore he has no where to sleep but a very uncomfortable fouton out there. And I can't just make someone move out because they all contribute things to the house that I cannot. I'm supposed to be moving to FL with the fiance, but to me that doesn't even seem like that's going to happen and he's just talking out of his ass about this and that, and I think a lot of that breaks my heart in more ways than I can even describe to him or admit to anyone because, big shock here, I thought he would be different and so far the month in a half he proves just to be the same as anyone else I have ever been with as far as a child in a mans body goes. I don't know how I've managed to keep myself out of diving into a very deep depression for the past two months, but somehow I'm still here, still not suicidal, at least not all the time. I have my days, but I haven't tried, made a plan or an attempt so that's something I guess. But everyday I wake up and every minute I'm awake I wonder if I'll ever have the easy stress free life, the life of knowing each and everyday that I will be okay. Things are paid, the kid is taken care of, there's food in my house and I have a car that has gas in it. Every. Single. Day. That's all I want. I'm tired of paying for my sins, tired of bleeding still for every past mistake that I have ever made. Tired of living like this, stuck in a never ending circle of madness and struggle. I want stability, ease. That's all I ask for. I'm tired of coming onto this website to cry and bitch and complain because I have no other outlet. I want to post something happy, something joyful, great news. I want to be able to post that I have nothing to post but pure happiness. *sigh* One step I guess. That one step though is the hardest. The one I can't seem to get through. A job. It's a gradual break down of spirit I'm having. A deep one, a terrifying one. I'm losing more and more of myself, becoming someone I don't know. Someone I can't keep up with. Someone bitter and consistently angry. Negative. Constant negativity. I can't live with the someday I'll have this... someday we'll do this... someday we'll be here, anymore. I have lost all hope. All faith that things will be okay and I will get through this. I wish someone could tell me what to do, because I no longer have any idea.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
wicked me

rants raves and babbles

My life, I swear, I just don't know sometimes. Once again I've pretty much lost it all. In a very bad way this time. The last man and I broke up a couple of months ago. Another abusive ball of fun that turned out to be. Black eye, bruised body, a whole lot of trust broken that I didn't realize I even had for him. Lost my cell phone, got fucked out of getting my car fixed and had to junk it for a very poor amount of money. Either way it is what it is. I just need an outlet. A complaint place if you will again. I realized last night that I just fucking complain way to much to the people around me. And yeah the saying goes fall and get back up, but this time around, it's just harder. I feel like I need to gtfo again and start over. Hell when I dipped to Indiana last summer it wasn't the best of situations, but I sure the fuck got back on my feet quickly and even when I came back it didn't take long again. I don't know why it's so different this time around. This time it seems like no matter how hard I try to claw my way back up the rocks I'm bleeding on keep tumbling down among me, crushing me, pushing me further down into this hole. I have my doubts this time if I can do it anymore. I'm not getting any younger and I'm tired of this constant battle that is my life raging into doing fucking amazingly in life and getting broken back down again. I cannot stress enough how many times this has happened. Over and over and over again. Fuck. I can at least say now that there is no cutting urges, far less thoughts of just finding out about the other worlds, heaven, hell, the summerland a kind of limbo, whatever it is that may or may not exist on the other side of the earth plane. And in all honesty thinking to hard on that subject scares the hell out of me. Not because I'm afraid of the unknown but because of the possibility of the lack of a possible unknown. Blinking out, like a flame, like the darkness that complete when you switch off a light minus the darkness that is still there. I think to much, I feel to much, I analyze to much, I get lost inside the darkness entirely to much, I talk to much and all this, minus the talking so much, is all done inside my head. I suppose to everyone else I just look like a flighty blond girl, a girl who can't keep her words straight, who loses everything, who has no thought, when in fact it is the opposite. The exact opposite actually. I have to much going on inside and I can't even keep it all straight myself. I wish all this darkness would just swallow me down. The 10% of light that few see in me for what it really is would just be eaten by the demons. Taken away so I can lose myself in the darkness and lose any and all morality that seem useless anyway. What's the good getting me in life right now? Not a damn thing. It's the darkness that draws towards me the fun people, the people who love me for every bit of who I am. The light is just a distraction, drawing in the good, only for me to be a major let down when they see who I really am leading to more distrust, disloyalities and hate growing inside of me. It's so hard right now to not get consumed by the evilness that is thrown at me from every which way. Never mistake the darkness for evil. It's not and it's a different thing entirely. IDk, now I'm just ranting and babbling so //endrant
  • Current Mood
    apathetic apathetic
wicked me

(no subject)

Okay so I'm on an upswing. Definitely a plus plus. The only thing is I don't know if it's because my meds are actually working or if it's just a temporary upswing from the bipolar and I'll crash in a few hours/days/weeks. Time I guess will tell this one. But I really hope it's my meds working for once. Although I did take some pills tonight to bring me up a bit. The boyfriend forgot to hide them right away. I'll find out tomorrow if it's just that are not. Until then, I'm grateful for a day of not feeling completely hopeless.
wicked me

It's been awhile

It's been forever since I've been on here. I guess because I gave in and finally joined the facebook craze. However being known on fb means there's just some things I can't post and on here, well, I'm pretty much anonymous so for what I'm going through right now it works so much better. I guess I'm back in that depression point in my life, although now at least I can say I'm not dealing with it with hard drugs like I used to, even though occasionally I have turned to pills to make my days and nights easier. I'm no longer on the cocaine or ecstasy so I know that's a good thing. And I haven't cut for almost a year so there's another plus. Even though I very much feel that I might break down in that pretty soon. Things have become just to much for me to handle. All I want to do is sit around watch TV or sleep all the time. I have to force myself to get up and take care of my pets, I'm almost pointed out at work because I've missed so much due to just not being able to do it :( I'm drowning again and struggling to stay afloat but it's just becomming to be to much to try...
  • Current Mood
    blah blah
wicked me

(no subject)

Everyone is so disappointed in me. I don't know what to do to change that or make it all better anymore. I am nothing but an epic fucking failure and I can't take it anymore. They all saved me when I took all those pills but I don't or can't understand why. They say I shouldn't die, that I mean to much to everyone but do I really? When I'm attacked and broken down more and more everyday by those I thought loved me, then what am I supposed to do?
wicked me

(no subject)

I don't know what to fucking do. I don't think I have ever been so fucking lost lost lost lost. I can't stand this and I can't even explain right now. It just hurts so much inside. I haven't cut for so long but I may consider it soon. So soon. Maybe i'll feel better then
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
wicked me

Relationships and Love

Relationships are so ridiculously complicated. I hate them, i hate them so much. Why is it when I'm with one person I can't help but fall for another person at the same time. Monogomy is just not something I can seem to be capable of. I have a wonderful, caring and oh so loving boyfriend but at the same time there is still this friend I have, that I love, that I won't get to close to because he is too fucking nice. Yeah I know, really lame of me. And then there is this guy I've been talking to online that I absolutely adore and I think he may be the one, but I am also wondering if the grass just seems greener on the other side? I'm going to meet him soon though, behind my boyfriends back of course and I just feel so goddamn horrible about it but I won't stop myself from doing it, I just want to know, you know. Life, love, relationships....why can't they all just be so simple and easy? I can't even fix myself, i shouldn't be fucking with other peoples emotions as well :(
  • Current Mood
    Indecisive
wicked me

The other side

The way we feel
So complex
So intense
Always greener on the other side
When what we need is in front of our eyes
Still we crave
What could be over there
Undying sadness
Intense gladness
Eternal hell we put ourselves through
The glimpse of heaven
That on the occasion
Makes it all seem worthwhile
So what do we do
To be grateful
For what we have
Instead of looking to the other side
And crying for what isn't
and never will be?
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
wicked me

(no subject)

I haven't posted anything in a long time. And maybe I should be. Maybe if I had been posting I wouldn't do what I have done. I wouldn't be feeling so intensely sad about things, after all when I really think about it and when I really separate myself from well, myself, things aren't really that bad. I absolutely do have a good life. I have a house to live in. I live with my best friend who I get along with wonderfully, I have a perfect boyfriend, a well paying job, great friends and things are going good. I just don't understand why I can't see all that, why I get so trapped inside my own head. Last week I broke down, really broke down. It was another happy fun family get together. My great grandmothers birthday. And before I continue let me explain first why I broke down so hard core later on that day.

Before any of that had happened I had been falling deeper and deeper into a depression. Struggling ever day not to let myself get completely lost in my own head. Financial problems were threatening to bury me and my roommate, I was having to borrow money from my family (a huge hit to my pride) and my family had nothing but bad things to say about me. Telling me I was a terrible mother, that I wasn't doing any good etc. I hated my job, wasn't getting enough money to do some miserable ass work. I was off my medication, unable to feel or give love, affecting my relationship with everything. Then came the family dinner, me already feeling very shitty as it was.

So we had a nice dinner, myself, my 5 year old son and about 30 other family members. My mom included. My first mistake was riding up there with my mom and grandfather instead of driving myself. After the dinner we went back to my great grandma's old folks home to have cake and such. My son was not being very good. After several attempts of trying to talk to him and put him in time out, and him not listening, he kicked me, and I smacked him in his mouth for it. Not in front of anyone mind you, however he started crying and my mom came in all pissed off and ready to beat the fuck out of me. Yes for smacking my own child. My grandfather then came out and told me what a terrible person I was and what a horrible person and how badly I was failing in life. My mom said she was going to take my son away from me, blah blah. (my mom didn't even raise me, she was a crack head and an alcoholic) and of course riding with them on the way there I had to ride an hour back with them. Most uncomfortable car ride ever.

I finally got home and was feeling low. Lower than I have ever felt in a very very long time. I went and got my left over anti-depressant meds and took about 10 high dosage pills. My boyfriend came over a little bit later and with in a few hours I was feeling tired. I had told him I took meds to make me feel better because of the bad day i was having. Several hours later, apparently after I stopped being able to walk straight and couldn't talk with out slurring I was taken to the hospital. I had taken the pills to die. I was attempting to kill myself and had he and my best friend not taken me to the hospital I would have died. I told all the nurses and doctors and the psyciatrist that it was an accident of course. My main concern was not to lose my job so I didn't want to get commited.

And now I can't stop thinking what would have happened if they hadn't gotten me to the hospital. If only I had taken four more pills. I would have died and would never feel this way again. I would be at peace. But here I am, stuck still in my own personal hell, dying slowly inside. I can't shake this feeling, I don't know how to stop feeling this way. And it scares me
  • Current Music
    12 stones